Every day, divisive topics dominate our headlines and conversations, leaving us more polarised than ever. Whether it’s politics, workplace challenges, or societal debates, it can feel almost impossible to bridge the gap between differing views. But what if there was a way to reconnect and find common ground? Charles Duhigg’s book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, offers a powerful framework to do just that—one conversation at a time.

The Challenge of Polarisation

The world is becoming increasingly entrenched in opposing viewpoints. People are often quick to dismiss or misunderstand others’ perspectives. This lack of constructive dialogue isn’t just a societal problem—it’s also a challenge in workplaces, families, and communities. What would it take to truly understand each other? Duhigg’s insights on having better conversations struck a chord with me, particularly his concept of “looping for understanding.”

A Case Study: Gun Violence in the US

Consider the contentious issue of gun violence in the United States. The statistics are staggering: in 2023, over 42,000 people died from gun injuries, and for every person killed, two more were seriously injured. The financial cost of gun violence was more than $557 billion in 2022. Despite widespread acknowledgment of the problem, solutions remain elusive due to deeply entrenched beliefs and political divides.

For example, the Second Amendment protects the private right to bear arms, but its interpretation has been fiercely debated in landmark cases like District of Columbia v. Heller (2008) and McDonald v. City of Chicago (2010). While 58% of Americans favour stricter gun laws, political and cultural differences make meaningful change challenging.

In contrast, Australia’s approach to gun laws offers a striking comparison. Following the Port Arthur massacre in 1996, Australia enacted sweeping reforms, leading to significant reductions in gun deaths. While Australians often view the US gun debate as perplexing, it’s essential to understand the deeply personal stories and values that underpin these perspectives.

The Power of Better Conversations

Duhigg’s “looping for understanding” framework offers a pathway to navigate such contentious issues—whether in society or within our own teams and relationships. The goal isn’t to win an argument but to build trust and understanding. The framework involves three simple steps:

1. Ask questions to explore the other person’s views.
2. Summarise your understanding of their perspective.
3. Confirm accuracy by asking if you got it right.

The ultimate aim is to ensure the other person feels genuinely heard and understood. Neuroscience shows that this kind of dialogue can create “neural entrainment,” where brain activity aligns between participants, fostering trust and connection.

Real-Life Example: A Pro-Gun Rights Advocate

In Duhigg’s book, he shares a compelling example of a pro-gun rights advocate. Through open-ended questions, listeners discovered her fear of being powerless – rooted in a traumatic experience where a relative was assaulted in her home. She explained, “That gun is my peace of mind. When people say they want to take it away, what they’re saying is they want me to feel powerless again.”

A participant summarised: “You see your gun as a symbol that you won’t let anyone hurt you. Did I get that right?” She responded, “It’s proof that I deserve to feel safe, and I belong here as much as anyone else.”

This conversation didn’t erase differences but created a foundation of trust, allowing participants to find areas of agreement and potential solutions.

Applying the Framework in Leadership and Life

In workplaces, polarised views often arise around changes, performance expectations, or team dynamics. Leaders can use the “looping for understanding” framework to foster psychological safety and trust within their teams. By prioritising understanding over control, leaders can uncover the values and experiences driving their team members’ perspectives, enabling more constructive collaboration.

For example, during a difficult performance review, instead of focusing solely on outcomes, a leader might ask:

• “Can you help me understand how you approached this project?”
• Summarise: “It sounds like you were prioritising X because of Y. Is that correct?”
• Confirm: “Have I understood your perspective accurately?”

These steps demonstrate respect and a willingness to listen, paving the way for meaningful dialogue and shared solutions.

The Stories Behind Our Beliefs

Well-known researcher Sheila Heen reminds us that everyone has a story that shapes their beliefs. Understanding these stories doesn’t mean abandoning our own values – it’s about building a bridge. As Duhigg highlights, when we genuinely understand the emotions and experiences behind someone’s perspective, we can begin to address the real issues at hand.

A Call to Action

The next time you encounter a polarised discussion – whether it’s in the boardroom, at home, or online – pause and try Duhigg’s approach. Start with curiosity. Ask questions. Listen deeply. Summarise what you’ve heard. Prove to the other person that you’ve truly understood their story. You might not resolve the issue overnight, but you’ll take a vital step toward connection and trust.

Let’s commit to having better conversations. Together, we can bridge divides and create a more empathetic, collaborative world – one dialogue at a time.

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