Every day, divisive topics dominate our headlines and conversations, leaving us more polarised than ever. Whether it’s politics, workplace challenges, or societal debates, it can feel almost impossible to bridge the gap between differing views. But what if there was a way to reconnect and find common ground? Charles Duhigg’s book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, offers a powerful framework to do just that—one conversation at a time.
The Challenge of Polarisation
The world is becoming increasingly entrenched in opposing viewpoints. People are often quick to dismiss or misunderstand others’ perspectives. This lack of constructive dialogue isn’t just a societal problem—it’s also a challenge in workplaces, families, and communities. What would it take to truly understand each other? Duhigg’s insights on having better conversations struck a chord with me, particularly his concept of “looping for understanding.”
A Case Study: Gun Violence in the US
Consider the contentious issue of gun violence in the United States. The statistics are staggering: in 2023, over 42,000 people died from gun injuries, and for every person killed, two more were seriously injured. The financial cost of gun violence was more than $557 billion in 2022. Despite widespread acknowledgment of the problem, solutions remain elusive due to deeply entrenched beliefs and political divides.
For example, the Second Amendment protects the private right to bear arms, but its interpretation has been fiercely debated in landmark cases like District of Columbia v. Heller (2008) and McDonald v. City of Chicago (2010). While 58% of Americans favour stricter gun laws, political and cultural differences make meaningful change challenging.
In contrast, Australia’s approach to gun laws offers a striking comparison. Following the Port Arthur massacre in 1996, Australia enacted sweeping reforms, leading to significant reductions in gun deaths. While Australians often view the US gun debate as perplexing, it’s essential to understand the deeply personal stories and values that underpin these perspectives.
The Power of Better Conversations
Duhigg’s “looping for understanding” framework offers a pathway to navigate such contentious issues—whether in society or within our own teams and relationships. The goal isn’t to win an argument but to build trust and understanding. The framework involves three simple steps:
- Ask questions to explore the other person’s views.
- Summarise your understanding of their perspective.
- Confirm accuracy by asking if you got it right.
The ultimate aim is to ensure the other person feels genuinely heard and understood. Neuroscience shows that this kind of dialogue can create “neural entrainment,” where brain activity aligns between participants, fostering trust and connection.
Real-Life Example: A Pro-Gun Rights Advocate
In Duhigg’s book, he shares a compelling example of a pro-gun rights advocate. Through open-ended questions, listeners discovered her fear of being powerless – rooted in a traumatic experience where a relative was assaulted in her home. She explained, “That gun is my peace of mind. When people say they want to take it away, what they’re saying is they want me to feel powerless again.”
A participant summarised: “You see your gun as a symbol that you won’t let anyone hurt you. Did I get that right?” She responded, “It’s proof that I deserve to feel safe, and I belong here as much as anyone else.”
This conversation didn’t erase differences but created a foundation of trust, allowing participants to find areas of agreement and potential solutions.
Applying the Framework in Leadership and Life
In workplaces, polarised views often arise around changes, performance expectations, or team dynamics. Leaders can use the “looping for understanding” framework to foster psychological safety and trust within their teams. By prioritising understanding over control, leaders can uncover the values and experiences driving their team members’ perspectives, enabling more constructive collaboration.
For example, during a difficult performance review, instead of focusing solely on outcomes, a leader might ask:
- “Can you help me understand how you approached this project?”
- Summarise: “It sounds like you were prioritising X because of Y. Is that correct?”
- Confirm: “Have I understood your perspective accurately?”
These steps demonstrate respect and a willingness to listen, paving the way for meaningful dialogue and shared solutions.
The Stories Behind Our Beliefs
Well-known researcher Sheila Heen reminds us that everyone has a story that shapes their beliefs. Understanding these stories doesn’t mean abandoning our own values – it’s about building a bridge. As Duhigg highlights, when we genuinely understand the emotions and experiences behind someone’s perspective, we can begin to address the real issues at hand.
A Call to Action
The next time you encounter a polarised discussion – whether it’s in the boardroom, at home, or online – pause and try Duhigg’s approach. Start with curiosity. Ask questions. Listen deeply. Summarise what you’ve heard. Prove to the other person that you’ve truly understood their story. You might not resolve the issue overnight, but you’ll take a vital step toward connection and trust.
Let’s commit to having better conversations. Together, we can bridge divides and create a more empathetic, collaborative world – one dialogue at a time.
If you would like to find out more, contact your local Steople office today here.
Why change requires a coach.
We’ve all heard it–why don’t you just change? Every one of us brandishes behaviours that are disliked or sow discord by those with whom we interact, including romantic partners and work colleagues. Just change, they say.
But, we don’t. At least not usually. And, we are really not to blame.
Blame that big, energy-hungry brain of yours.
The human brain consumes about 20% of our metabolic energy but is only 3% of body weight. We evolved to manage this high energy overhead in two ways. First, the brain wants to strongly return to “idle mode” where little energy investment is made to process the experiences we are having. We “half-ass” a lot of activities because good enough saves energy.
The second energy-saving technique the brain uses is to establish default pathways that manifest as habits. Once we have done an activity a dozen times, we activate the same brain network and do the activity similarly in most situations rather than pay the metabolic cost to figure out what to do from scratch. Your lazy brain wants you to repeat behaviours over and over, even if they may be maladaptive.
People who love you will forgive habitual peccadillos. But, when habits inhibit teamwork on the job and drag down productivity, they need to change.
Neuroscience takeaway number one is that change is hard because it requires a significant metabolic investment to change habits.
This is where professional coaches, learning specialists, and organisational change experts from outside the organisation come in.
Not only can they take on some of the load and help craft a smoother way forward, But by coming from outside the organisation, they are perfectly equipped to offer an external perspective, and can help highlight existing patterns and challenges- knocking the brain out of idle mode, telling the brain “hey, this is important.”
Maybe we need to shift our mindset, maybe we need a new set of skills to reach a new vision, or maybe we just need to stop banging our heads against the brick wall and change our behaviour to change an outcome. There can be many reasons to seek change, and many benefits for making the investment to do so. But we do need to be smart about it, resources aren’t unlimited.
Effective coaches and facilitators support the process by connecting and communicating with clients to better understand context and goals, and to identify the bad habits or behavioural patterns that inhibit performance. They can guide and empower us to establish and practice new habits that rewrite established neural pathways.
Neuroscience insight number two: the evidence shows it typically takes 90 days with feedback to change a habit.
This can be difficult to achieve alone, particularly when there are so many other priorities demanding our time, energy and attention.
Our brains can do amazing things, but they also have limitations. This is where knowing and applying best practices comes in. For example, directing and maintaining attention on learning new behaviours is difficult, and memory lapses. People often learn best through trying, and through failing a few times. Indeed, despite people’s best efforts, one can’t simply master a new skill by looking it up online or asking an AI chatbot. Many people seeking coaching are highly motivated at the start, yet the motivation dwindles as stumbling blocks start to appear.
It takes time, repetition, and rehearsal to embed new knowledge into the brain that results in new behaviours. This requires articulating a compelling outcome, motivation to persist through challenges, ownership, and, to really get things moving, an understanding of effective reward mechanisms.
It is no wonder that change efforts often fail for individuals, teams and organisations, because of all the neural and behavioural barriers to change. Here’s the key point: individuals who want to improve their performance don’t need to be scientists to reach their goals. They can partner with people that have this expertise, to support and guide them to reach their goals. In addition to setting goals and knowing why change is needed, real habit change comes from guided practice and encouragement.
Well timed individual and team coaching sessions are immensely helpful in sharing experiences, making connections, collaborating, and overcoming the obstacles faced in applying new approaches. Well-spaced learning activities offering knowledge, ideas, and tangible options can help generate clarity and positivity. Creating space to share interests, frustrations, learnings and possible solutions improves emotional fitness and mental clarity. A supportive, and empowering facilitator and coach who understands the context and is invested in one’s success is essential for rapid progress.
Consistent and sustainable action is the key to habit change, and consistent tracking of effort and progress is an important supportive resource. For example, through a behavioural habit tracking app, or Immersion Neuroscience’s SIX app. SIX captures neurologic data showing users that new habits produce more peak performance experiences. SIX also links to users’ calendars, showing the activities performed with peak performance and revealing those tasks that need more practice. It even enables users to form groups that can support habit change, allowing others to offer encouragement on the journey. In this way, SIX objectively proves the return to coaching.
Not sure yet if you should engage a coach to work with on reaching your goals? Not sure if a skilled facilitator can help you and your team get on the same page and get moving toward shared priorities and change goals? You probably know what we think.
Immersion Neuroscience and Steople partner on a range of science-informed initiatives with shared clients – supporting individuals and teams in building capability and measuring success through a range of tools and technologies.
Contact us for more information on how we can help you.