I attended a talk recently where Ben Crowe said “we are human beings and not human doings”.  I’ve actually been using this phrase for 12 years and it comes from a good friend of mine Dr Katherine Page, who used to say this when we worked together back in 2010-13.  So, I’m not sure who said it first and it doesn’t really matter, but the point is that it is such a simple and yet powerful phrase with so much meaning.  I’ve worked with many CEOs and Senior Executives who seem so confident and capable on the outside, but when I talk with them in a confidential coaching session, they share with me their worries and anxieties.  Some tell me that they feel like an imposter, that they don’t belong in these senior positions.  Unfortunately, this is not uncommon.  Research has shown that approximately 70% of people have felt this ‘imposter syndrome’ at some point in their lives.  They fear that someday they may get found out.  Some of the people I coach that feel this way are highly achievement oriented. They are highly successful and have done amazing things in their lives. However, sadly they have learned to link their self-worth and confidence to their achievements.  I’ve had to help them over many months and sometimes years to learn to decouple their sense of self-worth from their achievements.  As Brene Brown says “you are enough”.  You are not the sum of your achievements.  Unfortunately, when you link your self-worth to your achievements, your confidence goes up and down as you succeed and then fail throughout life.  To lead a life that is happier, more fulfilled and less stressful and full of anxiety, learn to think of yourself as a human being and not a ‘human doing’.

Confidence and self-worth

Webster’s dictionary defines self-esteem as “satisfaction with oneself”.  Those higher in self-esteem have an inherently strong sense of self-worth.  A related but slightly different concept is self-efficacy, which is the belief you can perform a particular task well.  An individual can have low self-efficacy for a specific task, but this may not impact on their overall self-esteem (i.e. sense of self-worth).  On the other hand, those with low overall self-worth are likely to display low self-efficacy levels across multiple tasks (Ellis, 2019).

Confidence helps us feel ready for life’s experiences and challenges.  Bandura (1986) demonstrated that self-confidence is one of the most influential motivators and regulators of behaviour in people’s everyday lives.  Ericsson and his colleagues in 1993 showed evidence suggesting that one’s perception of ability or confidence is the central mediating construct in achievement striving (i.e. in working hard to achieve some outcome).  When you are confident, you are more likely to take advantage of life’s opportunities.  Self-confidence enables you to accept and trust yourself and have a sense of control in your life and have a positive view of yourself.  This then allows you to set realistic expectations and goals, communicate assertively and deal with any setbacks along the way.

Vulnerability and Self-Worth

Brene Brown has conducted groundbreaking research into a concept known as vulnerability.  If you google “Brene Brown on Vulnerability” you will find some powerful information, including a great YouTube clip called “The Power of Vulnerability”.  She explains that many people are afraid of showing their vulnerability.  The key reason for this is that they have low self-worth.  That is, they fear being a fraud. Deep down, they believe they are no good.  They believe that they are not a good person; that they are not a worthy human being.

To cope with this low self-worth people typically put on a mask and try to hide this.  They do this in many ways.  In particular, they try to show others that they are certain.  Sometimes they become perfectionists.  They appear confident and sure of themselves on the surface, while underneath they are lacking belief in themselves as worthy human beings.  In fact, Brene Brown says that showing your vulnerabilities appropriately is not a sign of weakness, but rather is a sign of courage and strength.  Think about it – if you can openly share some of your weaknesses with others then you would need to have a high self-worth and believe that you are OK as a person, otherwise you are likely to feel threatened. In fact, if the circumstances are extremely important to you, you are typically less likely to show your vulnerability but sometimes this is exactly when you should.

Happiness and a Fulfilling life

Research over many years has shown that materialistic people are less happy than their peers.  They experience fewer positive emotions, are less satisfied with their life and suffer higher levels of anxiety, depression and substance abuse.  Interestingly, recent research has demonstrated that cultivating a mindset of gratitude is a way to counter views of materialism and its negative effects. I have always been intrigued by the difference in views on happiness from a Western versus Eastern perspective.  A Western view of happiness is usually about short term pleasure.  That is, I want to do something (e.g. drink alcohol, take drugs, party late into the night or buy that shirt or that fancy car) that will give me happiness now.  Whereas an Eastern philosophy views happiness as being more about leading a fulfilling and meaningful life over the long term.  A person with this view might ask themselves “will this give me happiness over the long term?”  Sometimes, a person with a Western philosophy might enjoy a few hours of fun or pleasure, whereas a person with an Eastern philosophy will be able to do this as long as the behaviour does not negatively impact longer term happiness.  This is the essence of the key messages espoused by the Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, a Nobel Peace Prize Winner, in his wonderful book ‘The Art of Happiness’.  The Dalai Lama said “once our basic needs are met (food, clothing, shelter etc) the message is clear; we don’t need more money, we don’t need greater success or fame, we don’t need the perfect body or even the perfect mate – right now we a mind, which is all the basic equipment we need to achieve complete happiness”.

How to Learn to Think of Yourself as a Human-being

You are not the sum of your achievements

To learn to think of yourself as a human being, you need to consciously try to separate out your self-worth from your personal achievements. Ash Barty recently retired from tennis as the number 1 player in the world and at the prime of her tennis playing career.  Some people couldn’t quite understand why. When she was asked about this she said,

“There was a perspective shift in me in the second phase of my career that my happiness wasn’t dependent on the results. And success for me is knowing that I’ve given absolutely everything I can, I’m fulfilled, I’m happy and I know how much work it takes to bring the best out of yourself. I’ll never, ever stop loving tennis. It’ll always be a massive part of my life. But now I think it’s important that I get to enjoy the next phase of my life as Ash Barty the person, not Ash Barty the athlete.”

This quote sums up a key point about self-worth and how we can learn to separate our self-worth from our personal achievements.

I often think of this example from Ash Barty when I’m coaching CEOs and Senior Executives, whose equivalent of winning Grand Slams in tennis is perhaps turning a business around or winning a big multi-million dollar contract with a new client, or successfully starting up and growing a new business.  If you gain your self-worth from these achievements, you are going to be unhappy at some point because we will all also fail along the way.  You need to learn to be happy with who you are regardless of your accomplishments.  You are not always going to be successful.  You are not always going to win. You will have some failures.  You will make mistakes.  Therefore, your self-worth will bounce up and down like a yo-yo when it is directly connected to your achievements.  Learning to separate out your belief in yourself as a human being from your achievements is a helpful starting point.

Self-compassion and Self-Kindness

Self-compassion is the daily practice of accepting our humanity and treating ourselves and others with kindness.  Dr Kristen Neff introduced this concept into the positive psychology literature in 2003. She describes 3 separate constructs: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.  Self-kindness is about showing understanding and kindness towards ourselves when we fail at something.  Rather than judging ourselves critically when we already feel pain, we can recognise the negative impact of this and learn to treat ourselves with warmth and patience.  ‘Common humanity’ is about recognising that we are all part of something bigger; we are not alone in being imperfect or feeling hurt and so rather than withdrawing and isolating ourselves we need to learn to appreciate that others feel the same at times and that’s OK.  The third concept of mindfulness is more well-known to many people.  In relation to self-compassion this is about being more aware of our own hurtful thoughts and emotions without magnifying them through rumination, but instead label our thoughts and emotions and accept them as human and normal.

There are a range of things you can do to improve your self-compassion and kindness.  One simple strategy is to treat yourself as you would treat a good friend.  Ask yourself how you would treat others who you care about.  Another tactic relates to self-awareness.  As you become more aware of your own hurtful self-talk, that you ‘beat yourself up’, you could practice ‘releasing statements’.  For example, when you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts like “I’m a horrible person for getting so angry”, turn this around by saying to yourself “It’s OK to feel upset – I’m only human”.  Furthermore, learn self-acceptance by not over-inflating your shortcomings and accepting our imperfections.

What should I do now?

Now that you’ve read and hopefully understood the concept of changing your mindset from a ‘human doing’ to a human-being, and why this is important, what are you going to do?  Do you want to be less anxious and stressed?  Do you want to be more consistently confident? Do you want to lead a happier and more fulfilling life?  Whilst there is no magic wand to wave or quick fix pill to take, you can begin your journey with a focus on learning to de-couple who you are from what you do. You can learn that you are enough, whether you succeed or fail at work and in life.  Furthermore, you can learn to accept that you are human and be kind to yourself because none of us is perfect and that’s OK.